Filling the Void

It’s coming up to a month now, and it’s a little strange, I don’t feel my mom’s absence too much right now. I guess it’s been pretty busy cleaning up around the house, working out food and cooking, fixing plumbing. Haven’t had any serious sadness bouts. In some slow moments and sometimes before going to sleep the events of that afternoon play through my mind and I keep thinking about if there was something different I could have done, but I push them out of thought because it does no good to dwell on it. I wonder how much Nora Neko understands. I caught her here hanging out on a pile of mom’s stuff during the week after when my sister was here helping out. Nora Neko used to hang out every morning in my mom’s lap, but now her routine is upset. She dissappeared for a couple days once. But she’s back now. I guess I’m going through the same kind of thing. I’m not sure if I really fully understand what happened, but I’m readjusting to it.

Prob the biggest adjustment is cooking. I prob should have documented my forays into it. For the most part its been going pretty well, I think Mom would smile. So far I’ve done sukiyaki, pan grilled salmon steak horenso on the side, nikujaga, marinara meat sauce on spaghetti, butterfish nitsuke string bean miso dressing on the side, and for first attempts I’m pretty happy with them. All simple dishes, and I enjoyed making them. It’s been a pretty sudden learning experience. Also suddenly finding out about some of the nuances of the grocery stores around. Safeway by my house generally has a good balance of general stuff & produce is generally pretty good. Foodland is smaller, their beer selection is sad, there’s often JDM perusing the aisles. If you’re looking for dried peppers, Star by UH has a pretty impressive array. That Star actually has a pretty good selection overall. Nijiya has the more specialized Japanese items, but doesn’t really have much more varieties of Japanese beer than can be found elsewhere. Don Quijote in town has a more ethnic selection, not just of oriental. The produce can be a bit uneven. There’s stuff don’t see as much at other groceries, but sometimes they seem to leave out stuff too long. Oh, and for sightseeing JDM there prob the most here. Man, getting all domestic and stuff!

Anyway, in a way this has been a growing experience. It surely has forced me into developing new knowledge and skills. But still, it was a harsh way to do it. I wish mom would come back. Let me go through this for a month or so, then come back so we can do this together. There was so much more I could have learned from you. I only recall tiny tidbits from when I asked about cooking something that we did on a few of our weekend culinary¬†adventures at friends house. It so unfortunate that I fell into the laziness and let you take care of everything. Didn’t even really talk much. Heck, I think I’ve talked and learned from my Dad about your guys past more than I ever have. I think I have to record this stuff. Because although it is the past, it is what formed what I am now. We have to keep moving, live your life for today, but it’s important to not forget what we’ve been through.

3 Responses to “Filling the Void”

  • Taro,

    It gets easier as time goes on. There are days I still really miss my Dad, and it’s been over 6 years. And there are many things I wished I had asked him about and learned from him. I’m glad to hear that you and your dad are closer now and talk more than you guys have in the past.

  • An old friend tells me how, when he thinks of something to tell his dad, he still has to remind himself that he’s no longer around – and hasn’t been for over 20 yrs now. Sigh.

    I dreamt that I was grocery shopping w our mom, but then it turned out to be an illusion. “What, you’re just a shadow double,” I said (in japanese!) “but still, let me enjoy your company while it lasts.”

  • Sometimes, I still expect to look sideways over my shoulder to see my dad with his arms crossed, smiling, waiting with expectation when I am about to do something of questionable judgement (like lighting a giant, hot-dog-sized firecracker made from the unpopped fireworks on New Years Eve, or hammering a cartridge primer on the sidewalk (WDK was there)).

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