Turning a Page

Forgive me for this what I’m sure will be a downer post, but I feel the need to put out some of my feelings, as much to help myself as anything. With the turn of New Year is supposed to be hope for a brighter future and all that. The turning of this New Year was with me quietly festive and nothing out of the ordinary. Small group of friends, fireworks to chase out the bad, some drinking. Morning was yummy traditional Japanese as prepared by my mother. All was well until today. My mother, who was still quite active and in good health, suffered from a sudden hemmoragic stroke. No prior signs. Just as she was talking on phone it hit her. The outlook is not positive. My dad is taking it pretty hard. This was very sudden and unexpected, she’s only 66. She’s currently in the ICU and is getting good care. I have nothing but good to say for all the staff of Queen’s and the EMS technitians. Honestly, I hold these healthcare professionals in the highest regard. I can’t say the same for the fool on Kalanianaole Hwy. ambling along in the middle lane yacking on his cell phone. Didn’t he wonder why there were no cars around him all of a sudden as the ambulance passed?

I know there’s the whole life & death thing, the end of your life is inevitable. But when you come face to face with it with your immediate family, it’s still harsh. I’m feeling it’s too early here! She’s stable in ICU right now, but after her second scan she was worse than first came in. The prognosis for recovery is not good and there isn’t a whole lot they said they can do. Surgery was not advised and is likely to not make much of a difference. Basically we came to decision with the doctor that they will do things to keep her comfortable, but if things turn for the worse, they will not undertake extreme measure to prolong life. There’s a part of me that wants to scream, no, damnit, she can’t die! She still has much to enjoy, much to contribute. But the doctors compassionate, but realistic assessment of if they went through extreme measures to keep her alive, in all probability she would be severely disabled requiring nursing home care and would not be able to communicate, made me realize that she wouldn’t want that. I wouldn’t. I don’t think there are many people who would. In a somewhat ironic touch, my dad said he & mom were talking the other day that she said when she dies, she wants to go with a stroke. No prolonged illness battling cancer or anything like that.

Thanks to all my good buddies who were quick to lend a hand and ear (and texts, in this day and age of instant communication technology. I’ve discovered that texting also allows me to maintain composure and communicate better. I’m sure I’ll have more bouts of choking up, sorry bout that Chuck). I’m not a deeply religious person, although I do hold some feelings toward Shintoistic beliefs that there is spirituality around beyond what we can see. Perhaps it is only a human device used to seek solace in moments when there are things beyond your control, but it is a valid device none the less. So I will not deny any of your prayers to whatever belief you hold. I welcome it and am thankful for it. Perhaps the spirits will decide it is not her time and will give her and us the strength to pull through and recover. Otherwise, I hope they can grant her quiet and peace to go without suffering.

Anyway, it is getting late, I need to try and rest to see what the dawn of a another day will bring. Once again, thanks everyone for your thoughts and feelings.